Nairobi Books asked me to write about a few things I know about sex. This is the kind of thing some expected me to write—stories about the art of sex. And so I have written about the act itself and what I think of some methodologies. Yet I could not resist writing about it in a bigger context. Give an anecdote here and there. Write about my observations and chip in with some of the usual street thinking. Like someone said, A Few Things I Know About Sex is not a sex manual but my street way on sexual pleasure.
I have tampered the anecdotes with a tongue-in-cheek interpretation of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, which I also think is about sex strategy.
All said, it’s important to note that when dealing with a publisher, there are some editorial expectations. The books is a mix of the ‘dirty’ and ‘philosophical’ in unequal proportions. The dirty , it seems, somehow wins.
Due to some agreements Nairobi Books have the right to sell the book locally. But I distribute it for those outside the country. Purchase details appear below this post and on the Ebooks link above.
Now book excerpts are supposed to entice a reader to make a purchase. However, the excerpt below is taken from the “serious” part. The very introduction before the relatively easy and dirty stuff:
In recent years, there have been economists who have been trying to measure well-being in terms of happiness rather than money. Of course, as someone classically said, there are a few problems of which a good income is of no avail. But according to the happiness economists, money is only a source of happiness but not an absolute one.
Different economists use various variables to map happiness. Age, gender, personality, and external circumstances have been mentioned by the economist as strong contenders. Women are said to be happier than men. And beyond a certain age, I guess 50, people start getting happier as they grow older. To my knowledge, none of the economists I know of use sex as a variable, despite the hullabaloo, social, marketing, or otherwise surrounding sex.
But can sex be used as a variable to measure happiness? Do people who have large amounts of sex (if sex may be so quantified) relatively happier than those who have less? Or is it about quality rather than quantity? Or is sex not a good measure because the joy of sex could be as temporary as that of five bottles of Tusker beer?
Girls like me, if I am not delusional, tend to have more sex than most others, but we are not necessarily happy. This is because we have tied our sexual happiness to the cash rather than the ecstasy we derive from it.
On the other hand, there are many of my clients who pay for sex because they are seeking happiness. For some, it’s the happiness that comes with sexual companionship. For others, its happiness that comes with the physical pleasure of the sex. While for others it is the totality of the experience—the sex of the body and brain. But it’s not always that they are happy afterwards. This is when the sex is not good. Bad sex depresses someone.
In real life, keeping everything constant, men with many sexual partners seem happier. But the bliss seems to stem more from the admiration they receive from other men and not from the sexual experience itself. I have had clients who will go on and on about how they have slept with many women but tend to be lousy in bed. Likewise, there are women who are able to attract almost all men. This is the power side of sex. Sexual power is almost exact and could be used as a variable to measure happiness. Those with more sexual power are happier.
In my view, quantity of sex is not a source of happiness, but quality is. Yet quality as concerns sex is relative, and that maybe one of the reasons which disqualifies sex from being used as a variable to measure happiness.
Forgetting the economists and focusing on deriving bliss from sex, its obvious sex power is more difficult to attain than quality sex. Sex power could be a function of looks, character, money, political power, and such other attributes. These are qualities which many people acknowledge are harder to attain despite the efforts to do so.
Quality sex, on the other hand, has lower barriers to entry. It is a more achievable goal, which largely depends on how well and creatively you can use your body. Most people believe they can achieve quality sex if they only knew how. And those who are having their version of quality sex seek improvement.
Through the blog and email, I receive so many questions to do with the quality of sex. The assumption is that by the nature of my work I should know what men want, or to phrase it differently, how men and women can treat each other. I have admitted to sleeping with over a thousand men; how then can I not have noted some constants as far as the quality of sex is concerned? Yes, I have noted constants, but the ethics of scientific interrogation bar me from declaring the constants as gospel truth.
This is the point that I admit I am detached from the dynamics of sex in relationships. I have become alien to lovemaking—sex with some sense of shame, care, love, concern and lots of hope. The main difference between sex with a prostitute and sex with a lover is that sex with a prostitute is a destination in itself, while sex with a lover is a process. When I have sex with a client, there is not an either or. There is no room for mistakes. It’s the only thing. With a man paying goes most of the chance for compromise. And there are men who pay for sex because they are unfulfilled from their lovemaking. These I am supposed to fulfil.
But in relationships, things are different. Love is patient. There is chance for a next time. If sex is not good now, lovers can work to improve it tomorrow or the next month or year. Something bigger than the sex act holds the lovers together. If the sex is not good by the time the children come, it will probably never be.
There is quite a discontent between what people are in public and in bed. Lovers want to extend their public image to the bed. A man will want to also look macho in bed as when he made that move that won the lover. A woman will also want to show she is as sweet as she looks. Thus there is some tension—the need to prove a point, the shame of asking and learning. But when men come to me, they have to leave their bravado outside. This man is as good as that man as long as both pay. There is nothing to prove. There is no shame. They have to learn, teach experiment and try enjoying the best sex.
At the very least, a prostitute reconstitutes a tired, stressed, sexcraved man in return for economic gains for her individually and for the family and friends. The street from where I operate is not the ideal place to base a morally upright observation of sex; nevertheless it has depth; richness both in quantity and quality of sex experiences. The richness from which I draw to say some of the things I have learnt about attaining quality sex…
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